Wednesday, December 23, 2009

And A Very Merry See You To You Too

The door to McNulty's opened, and the distinct smell of musty tea and coffee beans hit the mix of fresh air flowing in from behind me. I looked around at the boxes upon boxes of teas and large glass containers with labels reading LAPSONG OOLONG and GREEN GUNPOWDER in old typeset. I noticed the diced, dried fruit in a large glass canister, and saw the strange reflection in red of a teabox behind it. The strange manipulation of the light and the colour made me realize how much love has made me miss out. That's when I realized I wouldn't let this take over, what you admitted to me. You told me last night that she was yours now: the girl you said you didn't like is who you are with now, and you felt bad telling me. I asked if you cared about her when you were still with me, and your silence told me everything. It took me two phonecalls, an hour of staring, an hour of crying, approximately 5 hours of terrible sleep, and one lunch with four cups of coffee to realize that all you are is a coward and that all of this still isn't my fault. I loved with you with every inch of my being, and to be honest, I don't know that you will ever know what exactly that meant to me. You changed me, and you stayed exactly the same. You told me I introduced you to a lot of new things. Sure. Like books and art, and what did you give me? Only a soul cleanse and a better outlook, but sure, that is only cheap change I know. And you would have me be alright with the situation ("Don't worry, things don't have to change with us, we can still talk. And if she gets jealous, well, oh well"). Congratulations. You aren't the saint you or anyone thought you were. Congratulations on your first instance of being the bad guy. Welcome to the club, enjoy your stay among the real people.

And I refuse to believe that I will be forever forced to fall to ill-fated love. Whether I am comfortably wedged in my warm bubble of denial or not remains to be seen, however, even if the universe owes and will never owe anyone anything, I do know that I will find someone, someday. But that isn't what I want right now. And you claimed that wasn't what you wanted- that you couldn't be with someone even if you wanted to because it would take away from how you wanted to travel, see the world: no one should hold you back. But therein lies your weakness, eh? You claim all these things and are too weak and too abstract to find yourself. You think its better to be a terribly disfunctional sponge that only half soaks up the experience it lands itself in, rather than fully absorbing, or fully squeezing and expelling the world around you. At this rate, by giving yourself no time to be comfortable and figure out how you work, you WILL never be fully happy, not in the way you could be. Not in a passing happy-go-lucky way. You will always be that, I have absolutely no doubt. But you WILL miss out. You will.

Not for a moment would I change the way I truly feel and live every piece and part of my world. Not for a second am I humiliated that you derrailed me, not for a second would I take back the sheer, momunmental amount of construction these past months have made me take on. I don't wish unhappiness on you. I am not bitter. I am shocked, yes. Am I dissapointed? I am MOST of all dissapointed. Because you never admitted that sometimes being hypocrites is alright. Humans innately go back on things they say. But you could never see it that way. Humans are innately just, we can be good for reasons beyond reward, and everything is innately good and wonderful! You CAN'T see things that way. NOT everything is as shiny and magical as you would have it. There is plenty of hate and terrible things in this world, and its in having that dark side that GIVES the world its light. If you refuse to see the darkness, even within yourself, then you will never truly have shine.

I wish you nothing but the best, and I mean that. Can I talk to you anymore. Hm. Would it be worth it? Honestly, no. You are removed from my life and I have spent too long getting by without you for you to leave any more marks on me than you already have. I will not allow you to cause more damage.

But no one can, anymore. Not right now. I'm officially locking up and throwing away the key. No one is allowed in, just as none of my friends are allowed out. I have my loved ones already, my family, my close friends, all deep in my arteries and nothing will change that. But no one else is entering, not for a while. I owe it to myself to be strong for myself, so that I might be strong for others who need me, like my friends, and my family.

He was sent back the institution, for trying to hurt her, yet again. Now he has to be sent away to a home, and his little brother hasn't even been tested for anything. At least, not to my knowledge. I am afraid for young mind, just as I am afraid for his mother's. I would wish to be there in a closer way, but I am afraid, I cannot. It would be a dangerous path to tread. Christmas is going to be a rough one, but when is it ever not for us? I have Mr. Munchie, the diva dog, to tend to on Christmas Eve day and for a week after that. But he is a personality I don't mind traversing 2 subway rides and 2 1/2 hours to spend time with. And that is what we have to revel in, isn't it? What little things that keep us going and all at once remind us that some things may never be okay, while other things always WILL be.

Contrary to all of the above, I am feeling stronger and luckier than I ever have. I have loving parents, a roof over my head, some great friends who I love, other friends to share a laugh or a sigh with, and some futures ahead of me for the writing. I will be bold and the days ahead will be rough, but if anyone will take them on head first,

You bet your fucking ass it will be me.

1 comment:

Kim said...

You know you're the wind beneath my wings, right? Cool. The strongest woman I know. I love you.